Soul Searching...

Let's face it, I'm an open book. And this blog is really a personal journal, so here are some deep thoughts. I apologize if this is heavier than what you were looking for, but it is what's on my mind!

So in July I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. Overall, the experience was fine, not particularly emotional and I recovered well. So here is the story of my thought s since then.

I have struggled a lot with not being able to have any more children. When this happened I was pregnant and praying for twins. Incidentally, a couple of doctors think I probably was pregnant with twins...one in utero and one ectopic, but that is another story (interesting how prayers are answered!). Clearly, I still wanted more children. So when I was faced with emergency surgery Jon and I both, independently, had the feeling that we should have the doctor do a tubal ligation on the other side as well. It really felt like the right thing to do, so we did. No more babies.

Fast forward a couple of months and now I'm wondering if it was really the right thing to do, or just one option that was all right for us if that is what we chose. I mean, did I just choose to end having children when I didn't have to??? That was when a close friend stepped in and pointed out to me that having the ligation done was clearly a prompting, as I would have never thought that was a good idea on my own. As soon as she said this I knew she was right. That was not a choice I would have made on my own, and I believe it really is the choice Heavenly Father wanted me to make. It made sense to me. Frankly, when Heavenly Father wants me to stop taking a particular course He makes it VERY clear. A life-threatening ruptured ectopic is pretty clear.

So now what? I know I made the right choice and I am not going to have any more kids. So is that the end? I still want a big family! I still have a hard time imagining that this is it! I know 5 kids seems insanely large to many of you, but it feels on the small side to me. So I have been obsessing about other thoughts. I know I am not supposed to birth anymore children. Should we consider adoption? How about foster care? I've just been desperately trying to figure out why this is the right thing and how we are supposed to move forward. Enter close friend one more time.

One day I was chatting with the same close friend and she expressed how much more she enjoys being a mother as her children get older. She said something to the effect of, "And you are really going to love it, because you even like it now!" That's when it hit me. I really don't enjoy mothering the older children nearly as much as the babies. I could spend the entire day caring for the babies and toddlers to the exclusion of the older children. Heavenly Father needs me to learn to care for these kids I have been blessed with, with the same love and energy that I did when they were babies. And frankly, I have limits. I know, we all do. But I seem to be more limited than others! I get frustrated easily, have a temper, and have a hard time keeping motivated and on track. Therefore, when I have to choose where to place my focus and energy, it generally goes to the little ones.

So it is finally becoming clear to me. This is the family that I have, and I am so blessed to have them. It is time for me to move on to the next stage of this family. It gives me peace to know that this is the right thing for our family, even though I'm still crying buckets as I sit here wthisriting . It's time for me to stop mourning and learn to embrace this new and exciting time in our lives! It's going to be great!

P.S. I really do love all of my kids. I just really enjoy babies. What can I say?